How do you know which gift is best for your bestfriend, family member, and significant other? But as much as we love giving gifts, sometimes finding the perfect gift can be a bit challenging. Sometimes, it can be challenging to find just the right presents for the members of the family and it can be tempting to just grab socks & save the aggravation. Haha! If you need a little gift idea inspiration for those on your list, I put together a convenient gift guide & everything can be ordered online!

After the pandemic and travel restrictions all over the world, where do you want to go? This question gives you excitement if you are a travel junkie like me. However, dont pack your to-do list just yet. There are number of things you can do before your trip to make the most out of your adventure. Do you need a visa? Did you get travel insurance? Do yoy know what you’re allowed to bring in your carry-on?

 

"Let's talk about how hard it is to open up to someone about being sad for no reason. Let's talk about how hard it is to explain to your friends and family that you have this heavy feeling in your chest for no reason. Let's talk about how hard it is to understand why you’re having a panic attack while just taking a walk back home. Let's talk about how hard it is to understand your own self and how scary it is to feel like the whole world is falling on your shoulders and you have no idea why."

I've been thinking about for the past two months. I was turning a year older and suddenly it felt real. I'm getting older.

In fact, I never felt like numbers knew me and as years pass by, we seem to grow even more distant, unsure of how we really, truly fit. Does anyone have a manual of being here? I see engagements, weddings and even babies on my feed. And I can't help but feel left out sometimes. But whenever I asked myself, the truth is, no matter how I look at it, I'm happy here. Where I am, doing what I'm doing, single, little confused, kid at heart, I wouldn't have it any other way.



On my birthday, I woke up early than usual. I spent my birthday at La Union chasing the waves. I realized the best thing I want to give myself were peace and freedom.

I tried something new this year. Yes, I choose to celebrate my birthday alone at La Union away from chaotic scene of the city where I live and work. This is all new to me. I used to celebrate with friends partying and gigs. But this year, ,my mind, body and soul craves for peace. A need to breathe. Free myself from all the deadlines and chores which is adulting. For years, I've  been busy doing what a 27-year old should do in order to survive, I forgot to see the sun between the clouds.

So this year, I lose myself, made myself one with nature, and do not worry about anything.

Days come when you feel disappointed with yourself. With what you do, your craft.

There are times I don't feel I exist in the world I want to be visible in. I am lost, looking for the tribes I belong to. And just recently, I found something simple that I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK FOR MORE or overthink.

I found out that I'm not a writer, but a thinker who shares. Nor a photographer, but one who just love to take photos and memories. Not a traveler, but a seeker of new places. All these labels of what we do are not who we really are, in the surface maybe, all that is seen. But there's always more to us. 

And it's upon to us to find our meaning.

I particularly found out that my work is not a "mass-attention-worthy". But I know it touches one person and that's it. This person whom I really dont know personally connects with me. And I know I created art.

The thing is, art cannot be completely achieved. It's a working progress and it doesn't end.

And this, I say to myself now.
I think I'm going to be alright.

I feel like I haven't been myself for a while. Three months seem too long. I haven't been writing too. Just scribbles here and there. And everytime I get this urge to sit and write, I just can't do. It comes with photographing, too. My last shoot was Slapshock's gig at Baliuag with Even and Boneyard. I decided to rest for a week. Catch up on my reading (I have 3 books to read). For a bookworm like me, its a catch of fresh air, a resurfacing from when I was drowning myself in my schedule. Caught between workloads, church duties and family gatherings... but all the while I just wanted to hold on to my camera, look through the view finder, and look for something magical to put still forever.

But the rest was much-needed, to recharge and rethink, a necessity to move on with a clear mind. So that's what I did.

Resting was the answer. Traveling has been in my heart for as long as I can remember, and I swear to the stars that I'm sure it will not change even when I'm 80.

It will be hardwork or even more, the hardship living on my own, but with a camera on my hand I know it will be rewarding.

Few days after new year's celebration last 2017, I lost someone really special to me - my grandma.

They say it gets easier as time goes by. No, it is still fresh. I think about that everyday, almost every single day. From being at work getting that text message. Rushing back to the house and being there only to receive the worst news I've ever received in my life. I will never forget arriving and just seeing her lifeless pale body lying there. Everyone was broken. The entire family in one room, broken.

I'd never lost someone so important in my life so I had never really experienced grief before. It has been an intense, eye-opening journey. And you don't really know yourself and the depth of humanity until you've lost someone you love. I literally grow up with my lola. So how do you let go of the person who has stood by your side for half of your entire life? The one who taught me about life, love and to be a woman I am today.

Since January 23rd, life has been very different without her. I've never imagined life without my grandma. Even though I know she was getting older but in my eyes, she has always been a strong woman. I am pretty sure I told myself she would be here forever. But FOREVER ended too soon and unfortunately, it was unexpectedly as well.



It's been 2 years but not a day that goes by that I didn't think of her. I felt a void inside me that I know would forever be there.

Tears were unending.
I was in a fog.

Knowing I would never see my lola again, never talked with her on the phone, never again hear one of her memories, hurt more than words or hugs could comfort.

I learned that grief takes time. Lots of time.

Losing a loved one is never easy. Life maybe different now, but love is there. I think that's all we need. We all need to surround ourselves with love and be with those we care for every chance we get.

I was blessed to have my grandma for as long as I did. Selfishly, I wish it was longer. Cherish the time you have with your loved ones, it may your parents, siblings, girlfriend/boyfriend, wife/husband or kids. Because tomorrow is never promised.

It's been a while since the last post in my blog. And for that I apologize. I've been so unproductive lately. It's just that I have nothing to share with you guys. Things have been little busy and hard in the real world.


Today is just as same as those days. I'm not going to lie, days have been really tough and painful. I've been looking for help but every help I received didn't work for me. When I'm alone in silence, screaming chaos threatens to erupt in my mind. It's very suffocating guys. I swear, everytime I'm on my way home even though I'm crowded with people at the train I feel so alone. It felt like I'm the only one person in the train. I'm very absent-minded. I don't know where to go, what to do, who do I want to be by my side. I'm not sure with everything. SOBRANG LUNGKOT.


I'm not really sure where it all started. Don't ask me please.


 Two weeks ago I started not eating lunch and dinner. I was so happy because I am finally following my diet plan. I didn't find it hard to diet like the old times (yes, I'm having a hard time on doing my diet) but this time, it's easy! Little that I know that it's a sign that I'm experiencing depression.


It feels like I'm not myself anymore. I'm fighting this feeling, believe me. I don't want to be that suicidal kind. I'm only 25 years old and there is still more to life. I'm looking for the courage to face it. I seek for God. I asked Him to hug me, help me. I want to become myself again, the cheerful one. But it feels that I have no control on my own body anymore. It doesn't get better. Naiiyak na lang ako bago ako matulog sa gabi.


Help me.

Kurt Cobain, Chris Cornell and yesterday it's Linkin Park front man Chester Bennington. The whole world was shocked on the news that Chester was found dead on his residence at Los Angeles. Even me, I can't accept the fact that he's gone, it was like yesterday before his death I'm listening to their songs. It's my daily routine every morning I arrived at the office. And the next morning, I woke up with a very heartbroken news that my idol committed suicide due to depression. My first question as if Chester could answer me is "Why Chester? Why?"

Many people think it's just being sad, when it's actually the feeling of severe dejection. People don't quite understand the story and by the story the battle with multiple mental illnesses, especially depression.

Depression is not simply change of the mood or a sign of weakness. It is real medical condition with many emotional, physical, behavioral and cognitive symptoms. A condition in which a person feels discouraged, hopeless, unmotivated, or disinterested in life in general. When these feelings lasts for a short period of time, it may be a case of "the blues". But when such feelings lasts for more than two weeks, it's like a major depressive episode. Mental illness is not as visible as broken arm. It's harder to identify. While some people describe depression as living in a black hole, others feel lifeless and empty. Men in particular may even feel angry and restless. No matter how you experience it, depression is different from sadness.

Suicide might seem like a really good idea, or at least a very tempting idea at a particular moment. It's true! People who are depressed don't fear death.



"Its like drowning. It feels like your head is burning in pain."

"I feel like ending it all."

"What's the point on going on? I simply don't see a future worth living."

These are the thoughts that might popped up on a depressed person. The decision to commit suicide can be a very impulsive one.



Chester, for example, he had small part in my life. I've never met him but his talents brought me joy at various stages of my life. He saved me but I am not able to saved him.

I read and did some research about depression and suicidal before writing this blog. I became sadder while reading articles about it. I can't imagine how these people struggles before ending their own lives. Yes, I may not fully understand their battle and how it feels. According to what I have read, they don't see it as a suicide in those moments, they don't view it as killing themselves. The way they imagined it is like they were just going to sleep. Just a chance to finally be at peace. The way it came to their head was almost like a  release, a release from a struggle and pain that they felt they no longer cope with. I think that's why people leave their wives, kids,and friends behind. It's just that they can't fight it anymore.

If we let the storms pass and choose to reflect, we come out better than never. You have gifts to share to the world. And when the darkness comes, always remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If you still intend to attempt suicide, I'll encourage you to call emergency hotline ( 804-4637; 09175584673), or go to an emergency room talk to somebody... anybody.